Just a Little something

i just want to sleep, that's all.

Wow! What more can I say, I mean honestly. My life is so different from what it was a few months ago. It’s really amazing how much things can change in such a short time. I was able to marry my Aaron last month, June 7th; it’s been amazing! I’m working on an official short story that will likely be precursor to many more and I have a feeling they will all eventually become a book. Things are just so crazy and weird. It’s unreal really. I’m so thankful for my church and my friends and especially for my husband, even if he can be a real negative nelly. That can be quite frustrating let me tell you. It’s like he needs the drama he creates with the negativity. Everything is always definitive with him, if he does anything wrong then he says he’s stupid or useless or not worthy of my love or I deserve something better than him. He can be so ridiculous at times. I try to tell him that if I deserved better I would have gotten it, I try to tell him that he is everything I have ever wanted and he is exactly the perfect man for me and yet he refuses to believe it. It’s really rather frustrating, he gets all mad at me when I say negative stuff about myself but he walks around acting like it’s his fault there are people starving in the world. He really needs therapy for this but I don’t think he believes me when I tell him that not everyone has a “the sky is falling” attitude. I know a lot of it has to do with him needing to be back on his meds but there just isn’t money for doctors right now. Honestly, neither of us can afford to have any medical issues, if I was diagnosed with cancer right now it would kill me because we can’t afford healthcare. It’s ridiculous; basically there is a lot in life that’s ridiculous right now. O well that’s what I get I suppose; every aspect of my life is a test of faith. I’m really very tired of it though. Satan just needs to get the crap out of my business. He’s always putting little rocks in my path when he knows I don’t like to wear shoes, the jerk. But if I put shoes on then he decides to place trip wire made of razor blades in my way. It’s very annoying, to be quite frank I think I’ve had my legs severed clean off one time too many, he must really enjoy the scent of my blood. That’s atrocious, but it’s the best way I can think of to illustrate what’s going on. I mean really, is there reprieve out there? When will the testing stop? When will I be able to take a breath without the fear of drowning on life? So much stress I really just want to curl up in a hole somewhere and wait ‘til the storm’s over. Every day is a struggle to get up and face the challenges of my life. I go through my days constantly wearing the brave face not because I want to hide it from the world but because I have to hide it from the people I love. I have to be strong, I’m tired of being strong! When will it be my turn to cry, to hate the way my life is going, when can I let my humanity take over and feel bad everything? It’s not fair, yeah, I know, life’s not fair. The point is I’m tired of the battle. I want to sleep, my legs ache from climbing mountain upon mountain only to get over the rise and be face up against a cliff. I feel my gear is failing and I’m doing this all on fingertips and toenails. It hurts. I’m tired of hurting, of fighting, of struggling to breathe. I just want to have the support I need to make it through instead of always being everyone else’s support. I need so much that I can’t have because I love too much and the people I love don’t know how to love in return. It’s heartbreaking for me; eventually it will be for them but I’m hoping I don’t have to see that when it happens. I hope by then I’m either dead or brain dead. I couldn’t bear to see the one I love hurt the way I do all the time. That I guess is why I keep fighting even though my sword is heavy and the enemies are ever increasing in size. I so desperately want to give up, to wave the white flag and tell them to have what they will. If I thought they would bargain I would let them kill me if they would leave my family be. But even if such a bargain was struck I couldn’t trust they’d keep up their end. I am basically destined to fight this war until the last of the enemy has died or fled. I’m desperately praying that they will tire quickly and return to wherever they came from. I am so tired, all I want is a little bit of sleep.

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I LOVE LINE GRAPHS

I love line graphs! I know that sounds absolutely absurd but it’s true. You know I was thinking about how we always assume a line graph should steadily rise right? We look at them to determine our financial standing, our public rapport, basically anything we really want to watch rise to the top but what of the things we want to see go down; things like crime, cholesterol, fat, BMI what about our BMR. Yeah I love line graphs, especially now that I’m using them and seeing them and watching my progress while I’m amid this new lifestyle change. Every day I look at the line graph and the numbers get smaller and the line steadily drops well on it’s way to my goal. My weight has decreased which is the most important thing seemingly but so has my BMI and even more importantly my BMR. At first I was bummed that my BMR was dropping, I was thinking well hell it’s going to make it that much harder to keep my negative caloric intake down but I started to think. If my BMR is dropping that means that my entire body is working less to keep me alive, that means that I am healthier than when I started. So what, I can’t be quite as lazy every day, but who cares I feel so much better with this weight gone that I actually enjoy moving my body. It’s easier to move it too it is amazing the difference that 10lbs can make on person’s structure. I say it now and for the rest of my life I LOVE LINE GRAPHS!

I FKN GIVE

that's all i have to say: I GIVE!

some days i wonder what the hell i'm even here for.

the days pass so quickly that sometimes i lose track of them. today alas is no exception. i do wonder however why the hell I'm even here and how am i a supposed to express myself when the things i say go unheard? i wish sometimes that i were more selfish, more self-centered and less concerned with the people i love. i really do. i mean i just find news ways everyday to ignore what i want in order to give others what they want. i guess the real test of my endurance is ultimately going to be time. if today is any hint about the future i am terrified. day in and day out i make it obvious, all the things i need and want and day in and day out it goes unheeded. but tell me someone how the hell can i give myself what i need when it involves another person who is so clearly unwilling to assist me? i do the best that i am able, if that's not enough then nothing ever will be. it's very frustrating to give and give and feel it so seldom returned. if anything the most common return i get is one of criticism and reproach for my failures. i do what i do because i love to do it but at the same time a wee bit of recognition would be nice from time to time. days go by with no little or no way of knowing if what i do is enough and sometimes the feelings of failure are so great i just want to cry. the hardest part is now i have no way to escape. i have no car of my own, i have no money, and probably most detrimental to my well-being i have very little assistance with my son. there are a lot of ideas thrown around a lot of the time but very seldom are they ever followed through with. not on my part, usually i try to make my ideas come to a head as much as possible. i so seldom ever break my promises that i have become known for doing what i say even when i don't say 'i promise', but how fair is that? to have so much expected of me and to expect so little. but honesty how does one deal with things of this nature? i am in a position now where all i want is a little quality time, a little peace and quiet and to fee like for just a little while that i am center of his universe, it seems i can't have that. it seems that that is just too much to ask. i try lord how i try to express the importance of this but i know myself and i know that i can't bear to wonder all of the time if hos phone will ring, or a text will buzz or if some game on stupid website website is of greater importance than i am. it's hard as hell some days to be happy with myself when i feel like the one person in the world i want to love is having such a hard time expressing that love. perhaps the hardest part is that i am nearly always the initiator of affection. it's rather annoying to say the least. he says i am perfect for him, but i wonder sometimes why that is? is it because i am so selfless i give until it kills me? if that is the case then i don't want to be perfect. he says i don't need to lose this weight that i am trying so hard to lose but i feel like that's the only thing that can be wrong. honestly, i don't know. i know that i am far from perfect, i lose my patience sometimes, i yell at the kid and the dog sometimes, i get moody and cry sometimes for no reason. maybe it is all of that. i don't really know. i wish i did but when i ask he says i'm perfect. maybe i should ask instead why he doesn't want to be near me, why he doesn't want to talk to me, why he doesn't feel like it's important to pay attention to me? maybe those are the questions that i should ask, but they seem so silly, so immature, so insecure and more than anything they sound selfish and spoiled. i just want to see and feel his love, knowing he loves me just isn't enough right now. and i do know he loves me, i also know that we will be together forever. i know that i will always be happy more or less even if i'm not content or joyful. i know that he loves me not because i hear it, not because i feel it persay and certainly not because i see it but because our souls are connected and i know his thoughts as though they are my own. it makes it very easy for me do what he wants to do the problem lies therein however, because i know when he is dissatisfied even when he refuses to admit, i know also what he wants before he says it. it makes it easy for me but what of him, i have to find the words to tell him what i think and what i feel and what i want and need and i think it frustrates him because he is a man a few words and i don't need his words but he needs mine. i dunno i'm merely speculating i can make assumptions all day but what i need are answers.

Silent acknowledgment of obvious things

The funny thing about life is that there are so many little things that an consume us without us knowing it. I find that each day that passes runs into the next, half the time I can think of nothing at all and the other half of the time all I can think of is Aaron. I am so gloriously, magnificently, and passionately in love with him that I quite literally have no sense of my own. We are getting married March 17, 2011. That will be a wonderful day there is so much to do and plan but really I have it all figured out already. I know what it will look like what we all wear how we do the whole thing but I have yet to figure out where we will do it. I guess today I have no idea what to say other than I feel like I should be here saying things. I was reading my previous posts and I realize that I really am a very messed up and confused individual. It seems to me that the only thing I know for sure is that I love Aaron with all my heart and soul, I always have and obviously I always will. This of course is in no way an epiphany to me, I just think it’s funny how I can be so messed up sometimes and that’s one thing I don’t doubt in the least. Oh sweet love how glorious you are.