i just want to sleep, that's all.

Wow! What more can I say, I mean honestly. My life is so different from what it was a few months ago. It’s really amazing how much things can change in such a short time. I was able to marry my Aaron last month, June 7th; it’s been amazing! I’m working on an official short story that will likely be precursor to many more and I have a feeling they will all eventually become a book. Things are just so crazy and weird. It’s unreal really. I’m so thankful for my church and my friends and especially for my husband, even if he can be a real negative nelly. That can be quite frustrating let me tell you. It’s like he needs the drama he creates with the negativity. Everything is always definitive with him, if he does anything wrong then he says he’s stupid or useless or not worthy of my love or I deserve something better than him. He can be so ridiculous at times. I try to tell him that if I deserved better I would have gotten it, I try to tell him that he is everything I have ever wanted and he is exactly the perfect man for me and yet he refuses to believe it. It’s really rather frustrating, he gets all mad at me when I say negative stuff about myself but he walks around acting like it’s his fault there are people starving in the world. He really needs therapy for this but I don’t think he believes me when I tell him that not everyone has a “the sky is falling” attitude. I know a lot of it has to do with him needing to be back on his meds but there just isn’t money for doctors right now. Honestly, neither of us can afford to have any medical issues, if I was diagnosed with cancer right now it would kill me because we can’t afford healthcare. It’s ridiculous; basically there is a lot in life that’s ridiculous right now. O well that’s what I get I suppose; every aspect of my life is a test of faith. I’m really very tired of it though. Satan just needs to get the crap out of my business. He’s always putting little rocks in my path when he knows I don’t like to wear shoes, the jerk. But if I put shoes on then he decides to place trip wire made of razor blades in my way. It’s very annoying, to be quite frank I think I’ve had my legs severed clean off one time too many, he must really enjoy the scent of my blood. That’s atrocious, but it’s the best way I can think of to illustrate what’s going on. I mean really, is there reprieve out there? When will the testing stop? When will I be able to take a breath without the fear of drowning on life? So much stress I really just want to curl up in a hole somewhere and wait ‘til the storm’s over. Every day is a struggle to get up and face the challenges of my life. I go through my days constantly wearing the brave face not because I want to hide it from the world but because I have to hide it from the people I love. I have to be strong, I’m tired of being strong! When will it be my turn to cry, to hate the way my life is going, when can I let my humanity take over and feel bad everything? It’s not fair, yeah, I know, life’s not fair. The point is I’m tired of the battle. I want to sleep, my legs ache from climbing mountain upon mountain only to get over the rise and be face up against a cliff. I feel my gear is failing and I’m doing this all on fingertips and toenails. It hurts. I’m tired of hurting, of fighting, of struggling to breathe. I just want to have the support I need to make it through instead of always being everyone else’s support. I need so much that I can’t have because I love too much and the people I love don’t know how to love in return. It’s heartbreaking for me; eventually it will be for them but I’m hoping I don’t have to see that when it happens. I hope by then I’m either dead or brain dead. I couldn’t bear to see the one I love hurt the way I do all the time. That I guess is why I keep fighting even though my sword is heavy and the enemies are ever increasing in size. I so desperately want to give up, to wave the white flag and tell them to have what they will. If I thought they would bargain I would let them kill me if they would leave my family be. But even if such a bargain was struck I couldn’t trust they’d keep up their end. I am basically destined to fight this war until the last of the enemy has died or fled. I’m desperately praying that they will tire quickly and return to wherever they came from. I am so tired, all I want is a little bit of sleep.

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