just because i want to and no one can say i can't. this is my space my book and dammit if i wanna tag it i can...lol read it or delete but don't hate on it cuz hate sux and it makes you old and it makes you tired and worst than that it makes you ugly. peace love and recycle lol
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
i just want to sleep, that's all.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
I LOVE LINE GRAPHS
I love line graphs! I know that sounds absolutely absurd but it’s true. You know I was thinking about how we always assume a line graph should steadily rise right? We look at them to determine our financial standing, our public rapport, basically anything we really want to watch rise to the top but what of the things we want to see go down; things like crime, cholesterol, fat, BMI what about our BMR. Yeah I love line graphs, especially now that I’m using them and seeing them and watching my progress while I’m amid this new lifestyle change. Every day I look at the line graph and the numbers get smaller and the line steadily drops well on it’s way to my goal. My weight has decreased which is the most important thing seemingly but so has my BMI and even more importantly my BMR. At first I was bummed that my BMR was dropping, I was thinking well hell it’s going to make it that much harder to keep my negative caloric intake down but I started to think. If my BMR is dropping that means that my entire body is working less to keep me alive, that means that I am healthier than when I started. So what, I can’t be quite as lazy every day, but who cares I feel so much better with this weight gone that I actually enjoy moving my body. It’s easier to move it too it is amazing the difference that 10lbs can make on person’s structure. I say it now and for the rest of my life I LOVE LINE GRAPHS!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
some days i wonder what the hell i'm even here for.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Silent acknowledgment of obvious things
The funny thing about life is that there are so many little things that an consume us without us knowing it. I find that each day that passes runs into the next, half the time I can think of nothing at all and the other half of the time all I can think of is Aaron. I am so gloriously, magnificently, and passionately in love with him that I quite literally have no sense of my own. We are getting married March 17, 2011. That will be a wonderful day there is so much to do and plan but really I have it all figured out already. I know what it will look like what we all wear how we do the whole thing but I have yet to figure out where we will do it. I guess today I have no idea what to say other than I feel like I should be here saying things. I was reading my previous posts and I realize that I really am a very messed up and confused individual. It seems to me that the only thing I know for sure is that I love Aaron with all my heart and soul, I always have and obviously I always will. This of course is in no way an epiphany to me, I just think it’s funny how I can be so messed up sometimes and that’s one thing I don’t doubt in the least. Oh sweet love how glorious you are.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Depression!!!!!
How is it that depression can ruin our lives in such a brutal manner? I had another breakdown last night, overwhelming fear, a sense of abandonment, I felt so small and vulnerable. Really I think I should be allowed to kill the man who did this to me. He has ruined my entire life. He has made me weak. I was only a baby; Barely older than my own son. I am truly traumatized far deeper than I ever thought I was. It’s not fair that now it’s coming out in such force. I am happy! For the most part I am happy. I love Aaron with all that I am and because of my fear I pushing him away. He says he wants to be here for me but I can feel his frustration with me. I can’t help it though; I don’t know what to do. Even today after a good night’s rest and my meltdown last night I am still scared shitless. I can’t afford the medication I need to make me better, I can’t afford the doctor to prescribe that medication and here I sit terrified. Certain that at any moment I am going to be left to the devices of evil. I am so afraid that he will leave because of it; if he leaves it will destroy me. I have no idea what to do. I so desperately want to cry and yet I find that the tears won’t come. I’m so tired of feeling like this. I’m so tired of feeling small and vulnerable. I can’t imagine how wonderful my life would be if I wasn’t spending every second of life wondering when the meltdown would come. When will I begin to panic? What will trigger it? I don’t know I only know that I spend so much time obsessing over it that I simply can’t enjoy my life anymore. No wonder I was suicidal at one point, there are really only two reasons I’m not now I guess and one of those could potentially become disposable not by my own choice of course. I love him dearly with all that I am but how is it that he can tolerate me any longer when I can hardly tolerate myself? I wish that I didn’t feel what he felt; honestly I wish he was as much a mystery to me as every other person in the world. I don’t want him to know this depth of me because I am afraid that he will feel guilty for being who is or feeling the way he does. I really wish that I had never made this insatiable connection. If he takes it from me I notice it and the fear and anguish are multiplied but feeling what he feels is too much some of the time. In a lot of ways right now I just want to be inside myself and know my own thoughts independently and feel my own feelings, I know this is not possible because the loss of him now would destroy me. Not just the physical loss but the emotional loss the loss of he senses combined with mine, it would end me. I know I can never be independent of him again, not now that I we have linked our souls in such a way. If only. Ah well such is life and I will continue to suffer in silence not because I don’t want to confide in him but because I feel it more than he can bear to know. I love him heart and soul and no part of me will ever be the same without him. i wish I had a confidant, more now than ever before. I have given up so much and some not by any choice of my own. It is so hard to be me today, I wish there was some way to run away from myself. Oh sweet sorrow will you never stop controlling my thoughts?
Monday, March 8, 2010
so i have given up the dream, the fatman will not leave
Sunday, March 7, 2010
SO AS WE ALL ARE AWARE...
Thursday, February 25, 2010
The Truth About Love is Simply That...
I sit and wait and watch the world pass me by and cannot find for the life of me one reason not to be utterly content. I am so blessed. There are so many things in the world that I lack and yet none of them are of any consequence. I know that I have the one thing in the world that I simply can’t live without. We were talking last night, my Aaron and I, and I was telling him about how I am so afraid that one day I’m going to wake up and realize that this has all just been a dream. Well he said the most amazing and sweetest thing ever it went down like this.
I said “I’m scared! I’m so afraid I’m going to wake up and find this has all just been a dream.”
He said “Then don’t wake up.”
I said “What if I can’t help it?”
He said “what does your gut say?”
I said “it says forever.”
He said “it must be right cuz mine does too.”
I know that it’s all a little corny but I know he’s right. And I know my gut’s right. It’s like I have known him since before time began and will know him until after it ends. I felt him in my soul the first time we kissed and never in my life have I ever been so sure of anything. It’s the most wonderful amazing feeling in the entire world. I am so magnificently in love that there simply are no words to describe it. For the people in this world who have been blessed enough to find such magic know how I feel for everyone else I hope that someday you can be so lucky. This is everything in the world that I have ever wanted or needed and I am certain that no matter what happens I will always have him. We truly have the most amazing connection I feel any two people have ever experienced. I am sure that there have been others who felt this way and I am sure that we will have hard times but if our good times from now on are only half as good as they are currently then I will forever be able to handle the bad times. I love him so much that I am certain no matter what happens I will never be lonely again. I cannot imagine the rest of my life without him and he makes me whole. He is the best part of who I am and makes me complete. I never thought I could feel this way about anyone. I had given up! Just the week before I met him I was done. I was certain that never in my life would I find what I was looking for. I had decided to live in misery and loneliness and only use men for what they could give me. And then I met him. We were only friends; there was no romantic intention whatsoever. It was like magic, I looked at him, past him, one day I saw into him I knew suddenly that he was “the one” and simultaneously we fell in love. I mean that literally, he can tell you the exact moment his heart rolled over and he was done in and I can too. I saw him there at the greyhound station in has khaki pants and camo jacket and I saw into him.
I peeked around the corner and our eyes locked and we were screwed. Neither of us was prepared, neither of us was looking or hoping that this would happen. We were friends and we knew we always would be but at that moment it became so much more. I will never regret that weekend. The weekend when everything went crazy in my life, everything was horrible, I was ready to give up on all of it but that was the weekend that I knew I had found forever with someone. I will never understand why God decided to answer my prayers at that moment but he did. There is a time and place for everything the funny thing is that I wonder what have happened if he had come the week before like he had planned. I wonder if it still would have been that way. I don’t know I will never know but I know this. I am so glad that it happened the way it did when it did. I have always loved him I am sure but that one second in time is truly when I knew. Aaron Michael Tapia is the only man in the world that I could ever love this much and I am so thankful for everything about him. He is not flawless but he is absolutely perfect. Thank you. That’s all I can say just thank you.