The Truth About Love is Simply That...

I sit and wait and watch the world pass me by and cannot find for the life of me one reason not to be utterly content. I am so blessed. There are so many things in the world that I lack and yet none of them are of any consequence. I know that I have the one thing in the world that I simply can’t live without. We were talking last night, my Aaron and I, and I was telling him about how I am so afraid that one day I’m going to wake up and realize that this has all just been a dream. Well he said the most amazing and sweetest thing ever it went down like this.

I said “I’m scared! I’m so afraid I’m going to wake up and find this has all just been a dream.”

He said “Then don’t wake up.”

I said “What if I can’t help it?”

He said “what does your gut say?”

I said “it says forever.”

He said “it must be right cuz mine does too.”

I know that it’s all a little corny but I know he’s right. And I know my gut’s right. It’s like I have known him since before time began and will know him until after it ends. I felt him in my soul the first time we kissed and never in my life have I ever been so sure of anything. It’s the most wonderful amazing feeling in the entire world. I am so magnificently in love that there simply are no words to describe it. For the people in this world who have been blessed enough to find such magic know how I feel for everyone else I hope that someday you can be so lucky. This is everything in the world that I have ever wanted or needed and I am certain that no matter what happens I will always have him. We truly have the most amazing connection I feel any two people have ever experienced. I am sure that there have been others who felt this way and I am sure that we will have hard times but if our good times from now on are only half as good as they are currently then I will forever be able to handle the bad times. I love him so much that I am certain no matter what happens I will never be lonely again. I cannot imagine the rest of my life without him and he makes me whole. He is the best part of who I am and makes me complete. I never thought I could feel this way about anyone. I had given up! Just the week before I met him I was done. I was certain that never in my life would I find what I was looking for. I had decided to live in misery and loneliness and only use men for what they could give me. And then I met him. We were only friends; there was no romantic intention whatsoever. It was like magic, I looked at him, past him, one day I saw into him I knew suddenly that he was “the one” and simultaneously we fell in love. I mean that literally, he can tell you the exact moment his heart rolled over and he was done in and I can too. I saw him there at the greyhound station in has khaki pants and camo jacket and I saw into him.

I peeked around the corner and our eyes locked and we were screwed. Neither of us was prepared, neither of us was looking or hoping that this would happen. We were friends and we knew we always would be but at that moment it became so much more. I will never regret that weekend. The weekend when everything went crazy in my life, everything was horrible, I was ready to give up on all of it but that was the weekend that I knew I had found forever with someone. I will never understand why God decided to answer my prayers at that moment but he did. There is a time and place for everything the funny thing is that I wonder what have happened if he had come the week before like he had planned. I wonder if it still would have been that way. I don’t know I will never know but I know this. I am so glad that it happened the way it did when it did. I have always loved him I am sure but that one second in time is truly when I knew. Aaron Michael Tapia is the only man in the world that I could ever love this much and I am so thankful for everything about him. He is not flawless but he is absolutely perfect. Thank you. That’s all I can say just thank you.

wow emotions are so complicated

more than anything i want to smother him with kisses and love yous and all that mushy shit. i want to hold him and touch him and for one minute have his undivided attention but he doesn't get that. if i get too close i'll drive him away and is the last thing in the world i want to do. but right now it's killing me holding it in. i want to explode I'm not sad really i love this feeling but i want to gush and at the same time i need to hold back. why can't it be as special for men as it for women? i'm still not talking about sex we still haven't done that and won't for a long while. neither of us are ready for that in our relationship yet.it's eating me alive! i'm telling you if it's not anger eating me to death it pure frackin love. WTF! i hate this i hate this i hate being so emotional and so passionate about everything. it's like we're fighting but we're not really i hate this i just want for once for things to be easy. i need to hold him so badly and he's just right here so close and yet i cannot touch him. i'm too full of these powerful emotions i hate love i hate anger i hate pain i hate these stupid feelings. i just want him to let me hold him but i don't want to push him away i want more than anything to keep him close forever and i can't stand that he's not i dunno just this way. yeah i know this doesn't make any sense i need to take a break i need to step back but i want him to know how i feel and i'm not sure this is something i can make sense of.

I love him more than anything, it scares the hell outta me

So last night was another night of very deep conversation. Those of you who know what’s been going on understand that statement, for everyone else it's like this. obviously, despite all the BS over the weekend, I think I may have found my "the one" now if he sees this, and I’m sure he will, he will probably panic so: (baby just keep reading and you'll get it) for everyone else: we are possibly the worlds two corniest, most chicken shit, misunderstood hopeless romantics of all time; and that makes us awesome together. Now for most people this next statement is going sound really crazy (that just goes to show the depth of the hold that media and society have on you) but we haven’t had sex. And that is totally awesome right now. You see, we both have experienced such horrible relationships that both of us are gun shy. Not to say that I don’t thoroughly enjoy the feeling of new love, but it’s scares the crap out of me. And needless to say, (but said for the benefit of those who just don’t get it) it scares him too. The awesome thing is, that never in my life have I had a connection to anyone that I could not place into one category physical, emotional, or spiritual; and the honest truth is that 99% of all my past relationships can easily be categorized as physical connections (hence they are deemed “previous relationships”). But this time the connection is on a level that is far beyond physical, I mean yeah I think he’s sexy and I want to lick his body but you know what, what he and I have, this thing, the ability to talk for 8-10 hours at a time face to face and never get bored or experience the “uncomfortable silence” always having fun without missing a beat is so amazing. It really is the mental stimulation that I have always needed and wanted in a relationship but could never find. The connection we have goes so far beyond physical that this arrangement we have to not have sex isn’t really an issue. Now don’t get me wrong I’m as frisky as the next kitty and I do so want to play but I also know that our relationship is too awesome to corrupt it on that level. And that is what it is, because sex would corrupt the purity of it really, and it’s not time for that yet. So yeah last night was another one of those nights when somehow we were sitting there talking, punctuating periodically with a kiss now and then, and looked up at the clock only to realize that it was, again 4am. Of course at that point I took him home and after a little cuddling, remember no sex, I went home and went to bed, wanting nothing more than to have been able to stay with him. And if anyone of you wonder, yes we have slept together before, and I do emphasize the term SLEPT and it was very nice and very sweet and aside from the blanket not quite covering he and I and at least one of three dogs (this of course leading to my frozen rear-end the following morning) it was perfect. I did tell him he needed a bigger blanket next time though. So I am once again on cloud nine and to be quite honest, as always of course, even if I “step on a Lego” today I will still be happy because I truly believe that there is nothing is this world that will mess this up. I’ll tell you this much the decision to love myself and live with no regrets and his decision to quit being romantically impulsive and ruining his life for a fake woman who only wants his money or his sympathy or whatever else they may want have really been what has made this awesome. Timing is everything! It really is. This so would not have been doable a couple of years ago. And I’m so glad that I stopped looking for love. It has made this adventure so much more exciting; And so much more realistic because I wasn’t pushing for it. In a lot of ways it truly was a realistic version of love at first sight. And it’s not that I fell in love the first time I saw him I saw him a million times before really but the first time that I saw past him and into him my belly did flip-flops and all rational thought kind of went out the door and for a very quiet and speculative moment I reveled in the magic of it; and when that initial emotion ran its course, making me speechless to say the least, I knew that I had seen forever and after some very tentative searching I determined that no matter how slowly we take things I am already screwed. So all of that said I close with this. Love can be a funny thing when you let it find you and it may not always be where your fantasies thought it would be but it’s exactly where it’s meant to be. (for those of you don’t know Aaron is blonde haired, blue eyed, Irish and adorable, my typical man has dark hair, tan skin, brown eyes and is usually Italian.) so he may not be the man that I used to see in my future but he’s the only man I see now. And I love him with every part of my heart and soul, after my son he wins the trophy for the one person in the world I would kill/die for. He is really the most beautiful, wonderful, best tasting, honest, caring, and deep leprechaun I have ever met. Yes I called him a leprechaun, I love him, what can I say. It’s just that simple.

how do you tell someone to go away?

how do you tell someone to go away? hmm interesting thought huh. i mean is it fair to tell a person you want them to go away when you don't have a good reason for not wanting them around and a lot of reasons for them to stay? i'm in a bit of a predicament aren't i? i want him to go away but i don't what to do. i highly doubt its just a phase considering that i've felt this way for a while and it's not fair and now there are all kinds of reasons he might assume i want him gone and i know he won't understand it sux. to have been feeling this way fro so long and yet i can not bring myself to say go away, get out i'm done i'm tired and this has run its course. life is such a pain sometimes and i hate being so emotional i wish there was an easy way. i don't how to go about it can't someone help me?

so many times we let our imaginations get the best of us

Have you ever noticed how we so often let our imaginations get the best of us? Yeah even me; it’s like when you’ve been hurt so many times that the first time a person you love does something a little out of the ordinary you start to wonder if they really love you. Yeah life can be so dramatic internally. You go through your day wondering what’s going on. What did I do? What could I have done differently? How can I change this? But logically you know you can’t change it and there is nothing to change and it doesn’t matter cuz everything is fine you’re just freaking out internally for no reason. I’m in that place today. I didn’t get the call I expected last night, he wasn’t here with me, I can’t get hold of him but I know he is probably just sleeping for the first time since he came home and it kills me that I can’t hold him and cool him breakfast and kiss him and tell him every second how I feel inside. This is the most amazing experience I have ever had with a man and it’s not even sexual so that makes this that much harder. I’m feeling so concerned that he hasn’t said anything to me yet today but I know that that is only because he is probably asleep of his phone is dead it is after all a POS so yeah it makes sense. It’s just that I love him so much and hate every second that we’re not together. I pray every second that he will call me so I know he is ok because I know him well enough to know that he might have gotten himself onto trouble lol. O life is just that way and this is an internal test to make sure I’m not going to go all clingy crazy, psycho girlfriend lol. I know there is a chance of that so that’s why I’m writing this so I stop thinking about what might be happening and try to focus on the reality. He hasn’t slept in days I just hope he gets up in time to watch the game otherwise he’s going to be bummed. Well anyway that’s all the whining I have for now and it’s still driving me crazy and I’m worries sick I hope he’s ok. But mostly I hope I haven’t said something that upset him to the point that he doesn’t want to talk to me.

life is a dream

it never ceases to amaze me that the most amazing experiences in our lives are unexpected moments. and the most wonderful feelings are the ones we never thought we'd have. have you experienced the kind of kiss that's melts away all your senses and if you could just hold on to that one minute for the rest of your life you forever be on cloud nine. yeah i knew i loved him before he kissed me but i didn't know i couldn't live without him until then. now i wish we hadn't decided to take it easy and make sure we knew as much as we could about each other. i know that emotions can get the best of us so yeah we decided to take it easy now it's so crazy intense and i don't mean on any sexual level might sound nuts but if we never had sex it would still be amazing. i can't get over it! it's astonishing.

well to all my devoted readers lol i know i dont have any

but for the rare few who have happened upon my lame little blog and opted into reading from time to time i will say this much. AARON is on way yay! ok that's all nothing important is happening other than that and frankly i don't care if it was cuz i'm excited! yippee for me i might actually enjoy this weekend.

In the begining a choice was made

have you ever just stopped to wonder at all the amazing things there are in the world. take for instance the trees, so statuesque so stately so proud and within them there is another world. They are homes, they are food, they are what makes this world livable literally. and the same can be said for the babies, for elderly, for the moments we spend racing through our lives with the only real goal being that we get on to the next task. what kind of life is that? someone tell me can we really be content going through our lives with no goal in mind? no i'm serious! think about it people we the human race strive toward one thing and that is things but what does that teach anyone, and what joy does that bring us? never in my life have i seen a u-haul in a funeral procession. none of the crap we have on this earth goes with us when we are gone. wouldn't it be far wiser and of much greater importance if in the dash of our lives we were remembered not for what we had but for what we did? What if rather than people saying at in their eulogy that "___was a great man who gave his money to a lot of charities and left a financial legacy for his children" what if instead of that people could stand up with tears in their eyes and say "____was an amazing person who loved his family and his god. He never hesitated a moment when helping people and even though he wasn't a rich man he gave everything he had to make this world a better place without ever thinking of the return." wouldn't it be so awesome if your eulogy told the world that your legacy was humanity and not wealth, not fame, not obligations; but rather faith, and hope, and love, and charity and honesty? I hope that when i die the world doesn't care i don't want to leave a legacy that the world admires rather i want to leave a legacy that God admires. in sorrow and in shame i give my all to helping those who cannot help themselves, i give my time to those who have none, i give my patience to those who must yet learn theirs and first and foremost i give myself to idea that while i alone cannot change the world the world itself WILL NOT change me. Good faith my friends live your life like every second is your last, you never know when God will call you home. it is by faith that we must live our lives because by faith God created us to live for HIM! He didn't have to it was his choice, the story of creation says that in the beginning God created....let me tell you something before God created God chose to create. Don't disappoint him people too many already have.