drama drama drama it's amazing how much drama men can create amongst themselves

wowsers living with two men is hard. as anyone who knows me knows i live with two men right now, for a minute only, i hope. one is don who has been mentioned before in this blog because of his harshness and lack of tact. the other is my baby's dad, a nice guy for the most part but lazy and kinda of dumb and well in all reality the absolutely most emotionally immature 28 yr old man i have ever met. either way it just surprises me that they can create so much drama amongst themselves. it really can't be compared to anything i have ever experienced. there is just no way describe it accurately. the best i can do is say it's something like living with a Nazi and a Jew and i am the voice of reason here. i feel the USA in the midst of the world war, caught up here in all this drama not really sure why i'm here but feeling like i'm on the front lines for an unknown cause. the only difference is that i'm trying not to take either of their sides but am siding with the security and stability of my son. neither lance nor don is really liking this idea but what more can i do. i feel like the translator between the Chinese and the french and i'm the only person in the whole world who can speak both languages fluently. oi vay, i can't wait for aaron to get here, he will be here tomorrow. that will give me some reprieve i only hope that these two men can handle themselves respectfully and cautiously when left alone with each other. i think that don needs to just go find something to do to occupy himself and lance needs to think before he opens his big mouth. the problem with the two of them is that take everything so personally! and today's blow up was just a stupid miscommunication. lance wanted the keys to go unlock the car and don said it's unlocked and lance said i was just out there and the door was locked. so don wigged out about respect and called lance a punk and a bitch and then lance of course got all offended and pissed off about it. i told don he was lucky that lance was not a more ballsy or aggressive person otherwise that whole mess would have gone to blows in my living room and they both would have gotten their asses kicked by me. and of course had that happened don would be back in prison and lance would be in jail for assault or disturbing the peace or whatever cuz goodness knows things are never easy when people start in with violence. i think was a stupid thing altogether. Lance should have tried more than one car door, duh. But don should have been a lot less aggressive and taken it a lot less personally than he did. both of them were just being asses and i got dragged into it as always. i do so wish they were both better at communication and i didn't have hear about any of it. how nice the world would be if we could all just communicate coherently with one another.

wow what a crazy life we live

As i sit here thinking about life and school and all the time we waste it somehow baffles me that even i the epitome of organization, strong memory and perfectionism can somehow get so caught up in the little things that i fail to do my assigned reading. it is so bizarre. not that it makes a difference anyway as i am having trouble remembering everything i need to remember for psych but wow. This is crazy, of all things i have a test today on the chapters i was supposed to read and lo and behold i have not read them. thus said i must really get to work considering i only have a few hours until school starts and i am supposed to go get my new tattoo today. oh life is so full all the time i do wish there was more time. no; i really just wish i was better at time management. o well lessons learned i suppose. but for future reference, life is good.

crazy first day learning new school supplied computers

school begins in onlly four hours gettin pretty nervous.

well school starts in four hours and i'm getting more and more nervous and the time draws near. yesterday i went to the mall and spent $300 on school approved clothes, i.e business attire. i bought some high end stuff cuz it fits well and it's comfortable. but i'm not sure how i will i look in it. taking pictures once i'm dressed and will be posting them in this blog later tonight after i get home from school. hope i look good, the new clothes make me feel good about myself too and i think that has to be good for my learning. if you feel good about yourself you feel more confident, and the more confident you are the better you are at everything you do. so i'm glad i spent too much money on new clothes, i think they were worth it. O an if you're a big girl or you know a big girl who needs to find a good place to buy clothes or sexy bras and panties Lane Bryant is the place to go! no joke! the prices are high if you're a walmart shopper but i think the way they fit and make you feel is worth it! never again will i buy my dressy clothes from a walmart rack.

o so the day have flown by again

so the days have flown by again and here sit with so much to say even sure how to say it. it is so crazy how life just takes over even when you think you have it under control. school starts on tuesday and for that i am glad. it has been long month's wait. i am nervouse but mostly i am excited i can't wait to start my future at long last. it will be such a huge change for me going to sschool everyday and raising my son but i am so glad for the ability to to do so, i am so thankful for having that kind of freedom it is such a great thing.

" A beautiful Blessing" Follow this link and grab atissue cu if you have any heart at all you'll not want to ruin your keyboard

http://www.simpletruths.tv/mybb/



i dunno if that will link so please copy and paste if it doesn't it is a blessing. it's so beautiful it will make you cry. it is a true blessing and i am sending it to anyone it the world who cares to share it.

Just wanted to say a little something about my lil boy and tell the world how proud i am to be his mommy

this should say it all! look at that face i'm so proud to be his mommy and he is the most awesome kid ever. note to anyone who has read my profile i should explain a few things. in my profile it say i have four kids and i do. but only the baby lives with me. the other three well here are some pics of them:








i hope that worked lol anyway those are my lil munchkins they aren't the most recent pics of the two older boys cuz for some reason the SD memory card slot on this laptop isn't working but that's the kids and they are all gorgeous. i love my babies.

The two oldest boys Devin and Kyle live with my mum and my daughter Bailey livs with my cousin. They were all three adopted by their respective families. unfotrunately Idaho State didnt let my mum adopt bailey but she has a great life and i'm glad my cousin has her.

WOW i'm talented >>>>>>>>

look at that i can follow myself, lol. dont ask me how i did that one but whatever, now i feel popular lol. today is such an off day actually this whole week is. two days ago i couldn't figure out a program on my new laptop and it turned out to be as simple as double clicking lol and then earlier today i needed to go buy some cheap sunglasses cuz i left mine at my moms and she lives in another town and i'm walking thro this store and not finding them and stop to ask the lady and she looks at me like i'm nuts, they were right behind me lol. i guess we all have our stupid days lol. its a riot tho when you think about it.
i'm glad i can laugh at myself it makes lifes os much brighter, i mean seriously if you cant laugh at your own silly mistakes you're in for trouble. im thankful for that ability its one of my best traits probably, and one of the thinge i like most about myself. it's good be happy i tell you what, it sure beats being sad all the time.

I am back lol

well two days with no posts and i am back. i have officially decided that i don't wan to add everything from my journal here lol. it's too muc h work and i have been feeling lazy lately. as far as some stuff i owe myuself at least one public affirmation for to day so i'm gonna try to do that lol....hmmm....the affirmation of the day is: i am strong, i am vibtrant, i am full of life, i have everything i need to be happy and more to day i am unstoppable!
Yeah that's a good one i needed it lol. so what has happened, hmm nothing of importance i guess. i have just been sitting around being lazy paying bills and pretending like that it doesn;t bother me to be broke. but we all know the truth because even for those of us who put little emphasis on how much mooney we have it creates great stress when we have none. in a sense i envy the people in third world countries who have no idea what its like to have money and while they may not like being poor they are surrounded by only the poor and (i know this because i have a friend from the phillipines ane he told me) they dont not know envy the way we americans do. i admit i feel envy when i see a family or a person with a house that's suitable to their family size and enough food and a car and all the little things that look like fun but i dont have because i can;t afford them. but i also i am so thankful for what i do have because i do have a home even if it's small and i do have food even its not exactly what i want and i have some toys that i am lucky to have because i know people. and i am happy and that is one thing i don't envy of the rich i believe they are not that happy. they do not know true joy because being rich causes them to focus on the grabage that comes with wealth. so while i am poor by american standards i am rich filipino standards but none of that matters because i am happy, i have my family and my health and enough common snese not go into too much debt and i am thankful always thankful everyday for the love of my God and ability to wake up to a new day and hopefully have a new experience. LIFE IS GOOD
yes today is already a good day and it has only just begun, what will happen later i can not know but i am looking forward to it because even if it's bad at least it's a lesson learned. thank you and God bless.

positive affirmation of the day and some speculation to boot.

well today hmm today i am resilient, i am reliable, i am steadfast, i am true to myself and today i am a WINNER! today i am thankful for my friends i am thankful for my home and my son and today more than anything i am thankful for the strength to say no when things get sketchy.
i realized that yesterday no one annoyed me enough to require a change in my though process. yesterday was an amazing day the only way it could have been better was if someone would have offered up some affordable housing. aside from that it was a perfect day. i went out last night with Kelly and we talked for like three hours it was nice to catch up and just be with someone i didn't feel obligated to in anyway. today because of yesterday i feel like the world is a bright and happy place. i cannot wait to see what's in store for me today.

Have you ever been "in that place" you know the one

have you ever been at that place in your life where you discover you're totally and utterly dissatisfied with your life and you feel like there is nothing you can do about it. i have and i am. i'm not happy with my current situation, well i dunno, it's hard to explain, im a happy person and i have a lot that i'm thankful for but there are things i just don't want in my life anymore. like the situation with don. he is a good guy for the most part, kind of an ass most of the time but he treats me well and yet i still feel like there is something more out there. i am certain that the reason i started this whole deal for the year was because of this. who else can i vent to about these complicated issues. my mom don't get it and she always says to me "but you can't do it on your own" and this i know is true, and don seems perfectly content here doing this, whatever it is that we're doing, and pretending like he doesn't know. and btw he does i've told him how i feel, and he is, well, i guess he figures it's a phase or something. why do men do that? people for that matter why do they just assume everything is a phase? i mean seriously if you're spouse is cheating on with you a bunch of people it's not a phase. if your bf/gf says they're not happy in the relationship and are only in it cuz it's convenient it's not a phase. i mean i hate to hear bad news as much as the next girl but i am a firm believer in 'if you love it set it free'. For instance aaron...i can't explain that one but let me tell you something....all this time and he meets this girl which is awesome cuz i want him to be happy, but sad cuz i wanted it to be me. so he says 'i know you love me and i dont wanna hurt you but this girl is amazing'. was i sad? of course i was, but i know the way life is and i didn't let it bring me down. then a few day ago he says to me 'it didn't work out'. was i happy? well, selfishly yeah, but i was sad too cuz he was a little sad by it. and so now he's single, but i live with don who is still paying all the bills in spite of everything and who will be doing that until i finish school. and in a sense i hate him for it. i mean i am thankful but of the million times i've asked him to please just go he keeps fighting. yeah sure maybe that means he loves me but i dont love him and that's not fair to him either. what i really think is that (and if you knew him you would understand this) he is being difficult because he can. it's as simple as this, don is the kind of person who finds a reason to hate something if everyone says its great, he will find something wrong with a flawless person because people say the person is flawless. he will run a red a light because the guy in the next car said he wouldnt and he will sit through a green light cuz the guy in the car behind him honked his horn. he is, lets just be frank, an asshole and above and beyond that(and perhaps most frustrating) he enjoys it. he takes pride in it. and there is no doubt about it. he admits being proud of being an ass he boasts about his assholiness to anyone who will listen. it's so frustrating. anyway all that was said just to enforce that i believe he is only here now not because he loves me or my son but because he was told he couldn't if you know what i mean.
so here i sit like a morbidly self-righteous painting of the queen assuming that people give a rip about my stupid mistakes. but i think in reality it's More about people listening. maybe one lost soul will be considering the relationship for convenience and i DO NOT recommend it. life is hard enough without having to wak up one day and realize that you hate the one person in the world who has actually done something for you. its so much easier to just never have gotten involoved. i love don on so moany levels but i dont have any intention of being with him until the day he dies. i said him not me cuz he almost 20 years older. i assume he will die first but who knows the good lord may see fit the stirke me down for betrayal or something. well my sweet wonderful aaron is calling i must go out ya'll and GOD BLESS no really i mean it.

positive affirmation of the day and some speculation to boot.

today i am beautiful, i am strong, i am successful, i am brave, i am responsible and today i will make good choices that benefit the future of myself and my son. today i am thankful again for my health, thankful for my son, my home, my passions and my hobbies.
last night after finished catching up i started reading the blogs of other authors and realized i'm so glad i dont have to pay for this. so many people are better writers than myself and so much more insightful i doubt anyone would really want to read my blogs if they were compared the writings of others. the poetry and insight i have found in some of these blogs is wonderful i've actually decided to follow them publicly because well they are so great. anyway i just thinks it's one of those funny things. that's all for now maybe more later.

January 2, 2010 started in the journal at 9:45am

positive affirmation of the day: i am patient i am kind i am beautiful i am successful i am strong i am smart and no one can bring me down not today not ever.
the day has just begun, Don made me my coffee and now john and i are watching "handy manny's motorcycle adventure" on DVD. here about 10a i am going to call jummy and see about getting another computer. i cant' access my eBay account very conveniently without one. i can go online with my phone (wow technology is an amazing thing isn't it) but it's kind of a pain in the butt. I am hoping there will be enough money after taxes to get a new phone one that has a better Internet server. i think i want a blackberry i saw some really cool one on eBay. so maybe i will do that. At some point today i'm going to try to pack up the Christmas decorations and get them back in the shed so i can some space in my kitchen. it is so small. not that im not thankful for this tiny home that i own but i am thinking i want to sell it. i need a bigger space to work in. i need a kitchen that doesn't irritate me and would really like to have sewing/craft room. i have so much sewing/craft stuff that it's all stored outside in the camper because this 550sqft house is just not big enough. and besides all that john's room is only 4x6 and even though his bed is built in and custom i sont think its good enough/ my boy deserves a room where he can have all his toys and not have to worry about getting locked in or out if something falls on the floor. i originally wanted to add-on to my house but but the yard is soooo small that an addition will make it practically non-existent lol. besides i thinks its time for a change we have been for a year and i feel like it's about time we pass it on to the next people.
10:20a i tried to call jimmy he was unavailable but ryan was there and he said they could fix the laptop i laughed. i can't wait til i get the one from school then i will not have to worry so much about it. well off to the trenches so to speak i have to take the laptop down and let them try to fix it lol.
11:50p well so now here i sit having typed everything form the journal for today into this blog realizing that i still have not done my 5 things to be thankful for or my 3 nice things about the people that annoyed me. so my five things for the day. are my new laptop (i know i know but hey at least i got a new one) my son as usual, my health, my school, and my home. they are all good enough reason to be happy i'm alive lol. and three people annoyed me interestingly enough no one has annoyed me today. not sure what's going on but i will still say 4 nice things bout people. my sister linda is great shes such a good mom, and my best friend jamie is such a good friend i'm Lucky to have her and aaron he's my other best friend i love him sooo much aaron is the sweetest man in the world it's that simple.
so onto the events of the day for anyone who cares to know no doubt about it being boring we drove around all day looking for a new house lol and i got my new computer so when i got home i had to set that up. then of course there was dinner homemade pizza with chicken, olives, spinach and white sauce sooooo good a special thank to papa murphs for the idea. it came out wonderfully. i spent half the evening on the phone with aaron talking about nothing in particular and then working on this blog. so aside from that the day was boring boring boring. no one tried to run the baby over with a shopping cart but one guy in a big red chevy thought his big old v8 truck could race my honda, guess what...he soooo lost! it was funny and i think he got mad cuz his wifey poo flipped me off i just smiled and waved. what else should i have done the guy tried to run me off the road at first and then at the next stop light he waved a challenge at me. i had to do it. now had i lost i would have been annoyed with him maybe since i did get a little irritated by his stupid stunt trying to run me off the road i should say something nice about him....hmmm well his truck was pretty anyway i would say his wife was pretty too but i changed my opinion of her when she flipped me off. isn't funny how that works. the most gorgeous woman can become the ugliest you've ever seen because of a word or gesture...hmmmm food for thought really. anyway it is now officially january 3 so i should say goodnight. i hope my ramblings are interesting to someone.

written in the journal at 8pm on jan 1, 2010

Today was relatively uneventful the laptop got a virus from the Pizza Hut website and the virus killed it. it totally wiped out my hard drive and it can't be fixed. so after trying to fix it for a couple hours i went to winco and bought some groceries it was nuts, so many people you might think it was black friday. anyway aside from some idiot running my kid over with a shopping cart the trip was pretty unexciting. of course the stupid guy pissed me off and i went about my usual sarcastic "i can be an idiot and get away with it cuz this is america" rant. which of course don thought was hilarious. anyway we came home and nothing happened since then. well you know the usual crap john was whining, i yelled, don yelled john got put in his room you know all the usual stuff that happens everyday. we had roast potatoes and porkchops for dinner and are just getting ready to put "julia and julie" in the DVD player. I will tell how it is, Lukas says it's a great movie and Aaron says it's aweosme. Guess we'll see
(an hour later) so i was thinking that while i wait for ice cream to arrive and the movie to start i wuold tell you a little about myself or at least about something lol. i love my kids and that's where i should i start practically everything before that is irrelevent unless i decide later to work through some issues. the truth is iam not happy with my life my past or my current situation well ice cream is herre time to go.
11:30 pm the movie was sooooo great i love it. it's going on the must buy list lol!

My new years resolution and i intend to keep it!

This will ultimately be a copy of what i write in my journal i have to write it out on pen and paper even having this blog because well that's just how i am lol. anyway i started the journal yesterday and thought about the blog thing all day before i decided to commit to it. i have always been a journal er a writer of sorts i suppose but this is the first time i decided to do a whole blog. the way i see it this will keep me a little more motivated because hopefully i will have readers and they will keep me on track through some strange sense of responsibility i will have toward them. so here i begin this blog with the journal entry for day one.
January 01, 2010.
this is the beginning of a new year. how exciting! never before have i have i made a new year's resolution that i that i really meant to do, but this year is different. this year i am not only making one resolution but Four. the first of which is start setting attainable goals for myself. the second will be easy it is to journal and blog daily it might seem frivilous but it's akin to my third and that is to exercise greater emotional self-control. If there's one thing no one ever forgets about me it's my temper and i hate that! and number four is by far the most important and that is to be more proactive.
anyway of the first (to set goals) i am starting with a list. the goals i have for this year are primarily about creating healthier habits both physical and emotional. and habits are formed by doing something daily for at least six weeks (this is a rough estimate of course. so i am going to come up with 8-9 healthy habits. the plan is to incorporate a new goal every six weeks. what i am hoping to accomplish is a greater feeling of self-worth, success and emotional balance. I'm not good at doing healthy things so i will of course start slow and work my way up. maybe by the time next year rolls around i will have done all the things on my list. (dear God, help me! I've commited to doing something i can not do on my own!" So enough chatter for the moment on to my list:
1. positive affirmations daily to journaled along with five reasons to be thankful I'm alive. and something nice about at least three of the people who have irritated me that day. to start jan 1
2. Take walks and not just to the car but at least around the block. to start feb 12
3. take my vitamins and eat raw veggies or at least drink V8 everyday. (i know it sounds stupids but i never eat veggies and always forget my vitamins lol) to start march 26
4. talk to someone i don't know even i just compliment them and say something like 'good morning' (it's a social thing really, i'm so shy and i never say nice to things to strangers even tho they always compliment me)to start may 7
5. use the STAR method ( that is stop think and relax) before reacting to irritants. to start june 18
6. Tell at least one person something nice i journaled about them especially if it's someone i'm annoyed with. to start july 30
7. volunteer to help a classmate or co-worker w/out asking anything in return.
to start sep 10
8. Write a thank you and send or deliver it everyday. to start oct 22
9. i don't have one yet but maybe with some thought i will come up with one by the day its time to start on dec 3.
10. December 31, 2010 i will reread my journal and see if i have completed all my goals. some are going to be easy like journaling and others will be extremely hard like STAR. some seem small and insignificant but i am certain they are going to change my life.
as i said before the single most important thing i will do this year is:Be more proactive!
millions of people make resolutions and 90% of them give up. i will not, i will look at this like it is a matter of life and death and it is certainly a matter of life. no matter how small things may seem to me i know that they can be a big deal to other people. A positive attitude toward life will take farther than my dreams. i am worth every bit of effort it takes and so is my life. if i want better life i have to make my life better. School is a start but all the little things will impact it to a huge degree. i must dig in and start climbing up pit of this hole that is my depression and choose JOY, PEACE, LOVE and HAPPINESS. this new year is my new beginning. this year i will rock and only good things will come my way because this year i am banishing negativity and despair. this year i refuse to let the enemy take me down. (dear God, don't let me forget this promise to myself. let me live my life with no regrets and only lessons learned/ And God help me! i can do a lot but w/out you and my faith i can do nothing!"
So begins the journey today i start on goal number one affirmations and thankfulness. to day i tell myself i am beautiful and strong and healthy. iam success and everyday i am shedding physical and emotional baggage that slows me down. i am capable, i am dependable, i am honest, i am patient, i am kind,and to day i am good enough for me. Today i have five reasons to be thankful im alive: i have my health, i have my son, i have my home, i am warm and dry, and i am well fed. as for three people who have annoyed...DON (probably daily) his one good for today is that he supports me even if he does annoy the heck outta me and i Can hardly stand to be around him. John is three but he tends to aggravate me his good thong for the day is that he has the most wonderful manners i have ever seen on a three year old. and the third person who annoyed me today was the guy who ran my kid over with the shopping cart his good thing uh well had a nice car and his wife was pretty. that seems so stupid and superficial but i dont know the guy and i felt like i had to say something nice because he annoyed me so badly.
so that's it for the first part of my journal let me give my hands a break and i will come back and write some more. i still have the rest of the journal from yesterday and another one for today lol. hope this isn't too boring for anyone reading it.