Silent acknowledgment of obvious things

The funny thing about life is that there are so many little things that an consume us without us knowing it. I find that each day that passes runs into the next, half the time I can think of nothing at all and the other half of the time all I can think of is Aaron. I am so gloriously, magnificently, and passionately in love with him that I quite literally have no sense of my own. We are getting married March 17, 2011. That will be a wonderful day there is so much to do and plan but really I have it all figured out already. I know what it will look like what we all wear how we do the whole thing but I have yet to figure out where we will do it. I guess today I have no idea what to say other than I feel like I should be here saying things. I was reading my previous posts and I realize that I really am a very messed up and confused individual. It seems to me that the only thing I know for sure is that I love Aaron with all my heart and soul, I always have and obviously I always will. This of course is in no way an epiphany to me, I just think it’s funny how I can be so messed up sometimes and that’s one thing I don’t doubt in the least. Oh sweet love how glorious you are.

Depression!!!!!

How is it that depression can ruin our lives in such a brutal manner? I had another breakdown last night, overwhelming fear, a sense of abandonment, I felt so small and vulnerable. Really I think I should be allowed to kill the man who did this to me. He has ruined my entire life. He has made me weak. I was only a baby; Barely older than my own son. I am truly traumatized far deeper than I ever thought I was. It’s not fair that now it’s coming out in such force. I am happy! For the most part I am happy. I love Aaron with all that I am and because of my fear I pushing him away. He says he wants to be here for me but I can feel his frustration with me. I can’t help it though; I don’t know what to do. Even today after a good night’s rest and my meltdown last night I am still scared shitless. I can’t afford the medication I need to make me better, I can’t afford the doctor to prescribe that medication and here I sit terrified. Certain that at any moment I am going to be left to the devices of evil. I am so afraid that he will leave because of it; if he leaves it will destroy me. I have no idea what to do. I so desperately want to cry and yet I find that the tears won’t come. I’m so tired of feeling like this. I’m so tired of feeling small and vulnerable. I can’t imagine how wonderful my life would be if I wasn’t spending every second of life wondering when the meltdown would come. When will I begin to panic? What will trigger it? I don’t know I only know that I spend so much time obsessing over it that I simply can’t enjoy my life anymore. No wonder I was suicidal at one point, there are really only two reasons I’m not now I guess and one of those could potentially become disposable not by my own choice of course. I love him dearly with all that I am but how is it that he can tolerate me any longer when I can hardly tolerate myself? I wish that I didn’t feel what he felt; honestly I wish he was as much a mystery to me as every other person in the world. I don’t want him to know this depth of me because I am afraid that he will feel guilty for being who is or feeling the way he does. I really wish that I had never made this insatiable connection. If he takes it from me I notice it and the fear and anguish are multiplied but feeling what he feels is too much some of the time. In a lot of ways right now I just want to be inside myself and know my own thoughts independently and feel my own feelings, I know this is not possible because the loss of him now would destroy me. Not just the physical loss but the emotional loss the loss of he senses combined with mine, it would end me. I know I can never be independent of him again, not now that I we have linked our souls in such a way. If only. Ah well such is life and I will continue to suffer in silence not because I don’t want to confide in him but because I feel it more than he can bear to know. I love him heart and soul and no part of me will ever be the same without him. i wish I had a confidant, more now than ever before. I have given up so much and some not by any choice of my own. It is so hard to be me today, I wish there was some way to run away from myself. Oh sweet sorrow will you never stop controlling my thoughts?

so i have given up the dream, the fatman will not leave

i have come to the conclusion that the only way we will be happy is to leave this place. Don is between us all the time, always in the way, he has no idea what he's doing to us. but i will not let him destroy what we have waited so long to find. he will not have that control i would just as soon be homeless than let him ruin the most amazing relationship i have ever been in. it is time for me to take action. i am out of this hell hole. i will not let him have control over my happiness i am in control of my life. and this is my choice. a lesser person might think he is winning if he stays and i go but ultimately i don't care. it's just a house and all the crap in it is just crap and there is no point at all in giving up true love and happiness for all the crap that clutters our lives.

SO AS WE ALL ARE AWARE...

well yes i cant stop talking about him, i cant stop dreaming of him, i can't for forever to start already, really its just a whole lot of craziness. my love for him has caused me to quite literally lose my mind. i have never in my life been this jealous or possessive. i've never been so scared of anyone leaving me even for only a minute. yeah i'm nuts now, it's become obvious. i love him with all my heart all my soul with every ounce of my being. every part of me is better for having met him every outlook i ever had in life has been challenged by the mere knowledge of his existence. it's so far beyond my control and it makes me do and say the stupidest things on earth. i can't wait until the day we can be married, until we can be a family formally until i can take his beautiful name as my own until we can start forever. ugh time just goes so slowly when we are waiting for things and yet when he and i are hand in hand it flies by with no acknowledgment. i love him with all that i am and i'm so glad i've finally found my one.