have you ever been at that place in your life where you discover you're totally and utterly dissatisfied with your life and you feel like there is nothing you can do about it. i have and i am. i'm not happy with my current situation, well i dunno, it's hard to explain, im a happy person and i have a lot that i'm thankful for but there are things i just don't want in my life anymore. like the situation with don. he is a good guy for the most part, kind of an ass most of the time but he treats me well and yet i still feel like there is something more out there. i am certain that the reason i started this whole deal for the year was because of this. who else can i vent to about these complicated issues. my mom don't get it and she always says to me "but you can't do it on your own" and this i know is true, and don seems perfectly content here doing this, whatever it is that we're doing, and pretending like he doesn't know. and btw he does i've told him how i feel, and he is, well, i guess he figures it's a phase or something. why do men do that? people for that matter why do they just assume everything is a phase? i mean seriously if you're spouse is cheating on with you a bunch of people it's not a phase. if your bf/gf says they're not happy in the relationship and are only in it cuz it's convenient it's not a phase. i mean i hate to hear bad news as much as the next girl but i am a firm believer in 'if you love it set it free'. For instance aaron...i can't explain that one but let me tell you something....all this time and he meets this girl which is awesome cuz i want him to be happy, but sad cuz i wanted it to be me. so he says 'i know you love me and i dont wanna hurt you but this girl is amazing'. was i sad? of course i was, but i know the way life is and i didn't let it bring me down. then a few day ago he says to me 'it didn't work out'. was i happy? well, selfishly yeah, but i was sad too cuz he was a little sad by it. and so now he's single, but i live with don who is still paying all the bills in spite of everything and who will be doing that until i finish school. and in a sense i hate him for it. i mean i am thankful but of the million times i've asked him to please just go he keeps fighting. yeah sure maybe that means he loves me but i dont love him and that's not fair to him either. what i really think is that (and if you knew him you would understand this) he is being difficult because he can. it's as simple as this, don is the kind of person who finds a reason to hate something if everyone says its great, he will find something wrong with a flawless person because people say the person is flawless. he will run a red a light because the guy in the next car said he wouldnt and he will sit through a green light cuz the guy in the car behind him honked his horn. he is, lets just be frank, an asshole and above and beyond that(and perhaps most frustrating) he enjoys it. he takes pride in it. and there is no doubt about it. he admits being proud of being an ass he boasts about his assholiness to anyone who will listen. it's so frustrating. anyway all that was said just to enforce that i believe he is only here now not because he loves me or my son but because he was told he couldn't if you know what i mean.
so here i sit like a morbidly self-righteous painting of the queen assuming that people give a rip about my stupid mistakes. but i think in reality it's More about people listening. maybe one lost soul will be considering the relationship for convenience and i DO NOT recommend it. life is hard enough without having to wak up one day and realize that you hate the one person in the world who has actually done something for you. its so much easier to just never have gotten involoved. i love don on so moany levels but i dont have any intention of being with him until the day he dies. i said him not me cuz he almost 20 years older. i assume he will die first but who knows the good lord may see fit the stirke me down for betrayal or something. well my sweet wonderful aaron is calling i must go out ya'll and GOD BLESS no really i mean it.
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