wow emotions are so complicated

more than anything i want to smother him with kisses and love yous and all that mushy shit. i want to hold him and touch him and for one minute have his undivided attention but he doesn't get that. if i get too close i'll drive him away and is the last thing in the world i want to do. but right now it's killing me holding it in. i want to explode I'm not sad really i love this feeling but i want to gush and at the same time i need to hold back. why can't it be as special for men as it for women? i'm still not talking about sex we still haven't done that and won't for a long while. neither of us are ready for that in our relationship yet.it's eating me alive! i'm telling you if it's not anger eating me to death it pure frackin love. WTF! i hate this i hate this i hate being so emotional and so passionate about everything. it's like we're fighting but we're not really i hate this i just want for once for things to be easy. i need to hold him so badly and he's just right here so close and yet i cannot touch him. i'm too full of these powerful emotions i hate love i hate anger i hate pain i hate these stupid feelings. i just want him to let me hold him but i don't want to push him away i want more than anything to keep him close forever and i can't stand that he's not i dunno just this way. yeah i know this doesn't make any sense i need to take a break i need to step back but i want him to know how i feel and i'm not sure this is something i can make sense of.